I changed the name of my site awhile back to “Claiming Me,” hoping that I would get my fire back to fully pull myself out of the darkness. Every single time I would get still or go for a walk, this thought kept coming up…I need to claim me even when no one else does, especially when no one else does. The past decade of my life has been layers upon layers of hell, breaks in the hell with the most beautiful times of my life, and times of fear that choked the life out of me. I am still here. I have lots of baggage. Baggage that I didn’t want to claim. Baggage that I couldn’t speak about or even acknowledge for fear of punishment. Yet I know if I want to move out of this part of healing I am in, I have to claim all of me, including the baggage.
I want to write, I want to get out what has been playing on repeat in my head and tattooing itself across my body. I do not know how this will go and I have started so many times, yet stopped because of the fear of someone knowing me and everything that has happened. Judgement. Fear that I am alone in this world, fucked up beyond repair, and that I am the luggage that no one claims that is stuck in a cold, dusty room only to be forgotten.
My life has made no sense to me until recently, when the dust settled and I was finally in a safe place for the first time in my entire 48 years of living on this planet. I am writing to find out who I am, where I belong, and fully “Claiming Me.” I am building my life now and boy does it send me running for the hills. It is amazing how we will run back to everything that destroyed us because it is familiar versus stepping into the new life that is waiting for us, all because it is foreign and our tortured minds long for predictability to keep us safe. Safe in hell. I am done with hell. I am done with the coping skill of sabotage. I want a better life. I want a life that I can be proud of and that my legacy will be that of a woman that stood back up when all the cards were stacked against her and thrived. I claim my story. I claim the baggage of me. I claim the love I deserve to give myself. I claim a better tomorrow.
What do you claim? Do you claim you when no one else does? Even on the horrific days and when you have done things that you are not proud of?
Claiming Me 