Ever heard the saying that a lot can change in a year? Well, it definitely can. This time last year I was descending further into Dante’s Inferno, seven layers of pure Hell. On February 26, 2018 at 11:43 am, I received a call from the DEA. I was instructed to call back at my earliest convenience. I called back exactly 10 minutes later, 11:53 am. I can hear the Agent’s voice as if I am still sitting in my car right now. “Mrs., this is DEA Agent So-and-So, you have been indicted on two Felony counts of Fraud, you are to turn yourself in to the US Marshall’s Office at the Federal Courthouse by Noon on Wednesday, February 28, 2018. Do you understand what I just said to you?” I felt all of the world just stop, I could hear my blood as it was pumped through my blood vessel throughout my whole body. Nothing made sense, what did I do? What does indicted mean? Where am I? Did that man just say my name and turn myself in, all in the same sentence?
Yes he did. On February 28, 2018, I was processed into the Federal System, indicted on two felony counts and arraigned on bond. Exactly one month later, March 28, 2018, I attempted to take my life. I took a bottle full of pain pills that I had from previous years for my chronic illness. I woke up in an ambulance headed to the hospital.
What drives a person to take their own life? Lots of things, circumstances, pain, shame, and total devastation. Selfish act? NEVER. Let me REPEAT that, a person trying to take their own life is NOT a selfish act. I have lived 43 years on this earth, I have been through some crazy shit and always seemed to pull myself up by my bootstraps…this time had no fucking boots to even attempt to pull straps from. My world was shattered, turned upside down and shame was turned loose throughout my whole being. When I finally decided to take my life, I felt like I was destroying everyone and everything I ever loved by existing and I would be relieving this world from me. My thoughts were these:
- My children would do better if I wasn’t alive because they would not have to deal with a sickly, crazy, felon mother.
- I have shamed my family, my legacy is that of an embarrassment.
- This is what my life has come to; a sickly, crazy, trapped woman who is a criminal.
- I have lived in torture for so many years, always hoping it would get better and now this.
- I am worth more dead than alive to my family.
- I won’t fuck anything else up or anyone; I felt like the Black Plague and I was taking everyone into hell with me.
- The pain, the nightmare, the anxiety will stop. IT ALL WILL STOP.
Suicide is in the News now more than anytime I can remember. People are tired, scared, screwed up from all the psych drugs/pain meds/Benzos, and Fear is everywhere. I have read comments on posts that allude to the people who succumb to suicide are Selfish and that suicide is the Most Selfish Act. That is WRONG! When someone is in the darkest moments of their life, reading comments that they are Selfish only sends them further into SHAME. As a person that has attempted suicide, I was thinking of everyone else as well. I just wanted the pain, the tornado of me, and the incessant mind chatter to STOP.
If someone is suicidal, there is a reason and it sounds like a credible decision in their mind. Hold space for them, don’t judge them. Sit with them in the darkness, meet them right where they are. I know it is soooo uncomfortable to sit with darkness because it challenges your psyche and your belief systems, your comfort zones. Here are some of my suggestions if you are brave enough to sit with someone in agony:
- Don’t give them advice or tell them what they should or should not do
- You should exercise more
- You should go to the movies or get out of your house
- You should, should, should, should
- Don’t tell them how they should feel or not feel
- You shouldn’t feel that way
- You should be more grateful, people have it way worse than you
- You should feel more happy
- Don’t try to FIX them, YOU CAN’T…I know that one hurts and is so painful to hear
- I am a nurse by trade and I always want to fix everyone, I now know that fixing is a personal job.
- DO listen, when they are ready to talk
- DO Get Professionals Involved! Find a counselor, therapist, doctor…and take them if they are willing to go. If they are not, reach out to one and ask for Professional Advice. Find out what, if any, medications or drugs they are on. A lot of medications can cause suicidal thoughts.
- Hold space for them, remind them they Matter, they are Heard, they have a PURPOSE.
- Remember this is not about you, it is about them…they are in hell here on earth and they don’t need to be reminded how this affects you. They already know. They have analyzed every possible way and outcome in their minds.
- DO tell them you love them (not just with words, actions speak louder)
- DO let them know that they are NOT ALONE! Being suicidal for me was an island, I was alone and in my head 24/7.
- DO let them know that they are NOT what they have done, NOT what has happened to them, and NOT fucked up beyond repair.
I am almost a year out from trying to take my life. I wish I could say that I am healed. I am healing. I am rebuilding my life from the ashes. I have to come realize what a life of trauma does to a person. Why I do what I do, why I think the way I do, and why I lived the way I did…Chaos changes everything. How childhood coping mechanisms become harmful in adulthood.
If you are suicidal right now, YOU MATTER! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! YOU ARE STRONG! Please call someone, a hotline, a friend, a neighbor, a stranger, just reach out. This too shall pass.
Claiming Me 