I have been running my whole life. Always feeling that I wasn’t safe or wanted. I have looked for validation outside of me. I have beliefs and thoughts that are inside me that are not my own, especially about God, love, fears and life. I have been afraid of the darkness and facing those thoughts and fears.

I have put myself in situations that would affirm my false beliefs that I didn’t matter and I wasn’t safe, so in turn I would run. I have been searching for a “cure” to my own mind looking always outside of me. I have needed labels for everything that is happening, has happened and what will happen to me. I have felt that if I labeled it, then I can fix it or someone can. So I have self-imposed “labels” of everything from illnesses, to mental problems, to marriage destruction, keep naming them and I have probably slapped it on me.

My mind did the best it could to protect me and needs to know that I Love ME. I have always preoccupied myself with whys and hows, not implementing fully myself. Fears have had their power over me because I allowed it from false beliefs and not wanting to face me and do the work. I had become a slave to the pain, fear, worry, anxiety, trauma and being the victim. I have been asking all the right questions but to the wrong people, I needed to ask those questions to me and just be still. My voice has been covered up by my ego from pain, trauma, and it constantly telling me that it was right. My inner true self was being drowned out by the noise I would keep playing.

I have bought so much “stuff” to try and fill the hole, to make me feel connected to something or someone. I have heard continuously that I was already connected, I just never believed it because of the noise that drowned it out. All spirituality, was to me, revolving around fear…fear of God, fear that I wasn’t good enough, fear that I would burn in hell if I didn’t do exactly as other did. Fear that I wasn’t one of the “Chosen,” that I would knock on Heaven’s door and hear in the loud booming voice of God, “I do not know you.” Fear that I was inviting the devil in because I didn’t believe exactly like them.

I so longed to believe that God was love and was a part of me, or I a part of God- but I would cloud it with other’s interpretations of God and then make myself the victim, again. My demon is the monkey mind.

I believe there is a God, I believe that we are created by God, He or She. I see glimpses of God in nature, in my children’s smiles and their eyes, in my animals, and in those quiet moments that come to me sporadically. I have always attempted this journey (half-filled journals, self-help books and bibles/devotionals fill my house), then when it didn’t fix me quickly or stop the monkey mind, I would quit and validate that I am alone or not part of something greater than myself. Especially when it required me to BE STILL.

So for me right now, I want to Know God. I want to take this journey, I want to know peace, love and bliss. I am willing to let go, I am laying all my cards out and admitting my fears. I know this takes time and I am willing to do the work.

I know it is an inside job. God, can you hold my mind, heart and hand through this? Can you let me feel and know that it will be ok and that I will be ok?