As the words land on their target, I feel my heart skip that familiar beat, you know, the one that takes your breath away and pierces straight to the vail that shrouds your soul. Lately I felt unsure if it was still there, the heart of me, images of it locked up in a forbidden fortress that is completely iced over come to mind. Yet, here it is and did he find it, my knees buckled and I felt myself drop as if gravity had gone full force on me. How could a simple sentence weaken you to the point of feeling a crushing sensation in your chest? Who was the idiot that came up with the phrase “words will never hurt me?” They lied. Sure I have had the attacks of clothes being ripped off me, water thrown on me, the face being struck, yet I could stomach those…but these 6 words shook my soul and I felt my hands reach up to him, I gave him what was left of my shattered self.

“You have no one else but me.”

As much as I have tried to fight my way back, picked myself up and prayed for better days, I felt defeated. I knew in that moment that I was alone, alone because I chose him and ignored my voice. You see, everyone else saw the writing on the wall with him, they knew he was no good for me. Being together with someone for 20 years that is psychotic and manipulating tends to take the good people away. The guy with the chip on his shoulder for 44 years is not someone who gets invited to, well, anything. So I have had to cancel plans, not return phone calls, walk on egg shells because I escaped to hang out with a friend and might be 5 minutes late, didn’t get the invite that everyone else got because of my +1, and even have had to avoid family because he doesn’t like some of them.

So, I sit and weep. My heart is broken, my life in shattered pieces, rage boiling inside me that can’t seem to find its way out, and no one but him in my life. Can I trade my victim card in now? Can I get a do-over? Will this nightmare end?

Per my therapist, I am to sit with these feelings, let them come up and watch them go. Yay me! Well, they are here and raw, raw like an excoriated wound that seems to grow by the day. I have always tried to run or hide my feelings because they were always used against me. I denied my voice, my truth, so much that I have to relearn something that was inherently given to us. You see, feelings are the messengers-the guidance system per se. And my messengers are screaming and having temper tantrums because I stopped listening long ago, I let someone else tell me who or what to be, do, think and feel.

Is it ok to imagine a life without him? What would that look like? I have no idea because I have buried my hope of having a good life, yet there is a tiny voice that is crying to be let out. I want to have my feelings and my thoughts again, I want to dream again. Please give me the courage to pick myself up and find me, love me, fight for me and become the me that loves me.

What a way to break my blog “cherry.” So here is to learning my voice and using it!